


What If We Just Blow It Up?

by SwaggerDownTheStreet



Category: Dragon Quest Builders (Video Games), The Heroes of Olympus - Rick Riordan
Genre: Because It's Crack, But Also A Vaguely Serious Plot, Coach Hedge Meets Malroth, Crack, Crack with Plot, Everybody Lives/Nobody Dies, Friendly Gods (aka Malroth), It's Horrid, Malroth Is Lord Of Distruction, Many Crack, Meant to be comedy, Normal Rules Don't Apply, Not Canon Compliant, Plot On Crack, Post-DQB2, Spoilers, semi-serious crack, the world between worlds
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-26
Updated: 2020-01-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:15:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22414594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SwaggerDownTheStreet/pseuds/SwaggerDownTheStreet
Summary: After the Argo II leaves Fort Sumter, the storm created by Jason and Percy sends them into the World Between Worlds, where everything is dark and cold and scary. Then, they have suddenly been shipwrecked on an island that has snow and farms but also a mountain and a tropical desert.What's more, the local inhabitants don't seem to obey normal rules. They fly in the air with something that apparently "breaks the wind" and they fix the ship with cubical blocks of wood. Then there's the Buggy Buggy, a disturbing bug-like contraption that shoots lazer beams and flies with it's wheel jets and that is driven like a car.Fortunately, no one ever said the Seven couldn't take on extra help, and there are two willing people who go with them back home to kick the Earth's giant sandy butt.Or, an elaborate excuse for me to further delay my more pressing updates.***You don't have to know DQB canon to understand.Disclaimer: We are not responsible for any lose of vital brain tissue caused by the act of reading this very intellectual work of fiction.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 5





	What If We Just Blow It Up?

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, I _know_ there are people waiting for updates on other fics of mine. I _know_ that. But listen, I haven't written anything for the space of several months, I need to get _into_ it. Crack is easy for me to write, so it's a good writing excercise and- wait no what are you doing stop this at once nO I NEED TO MAKE MY EXCUSES STOOOOPP--

The Good Ship Argo II rose on a cartoon-like wave that thrust them out into the open ocean while a practical hurricane raged around them, also aiding in this business. 

At the center of this maelstrom was a ship, and at the middle of the deck of this ship were two teenaged boys, one blond and the other-- wait, what do you called a guy with black hair? Cause brunet is for brown hair, is it the same with black? Ah, never mind.

Anyway, these two boys, by names of Jason and Percy were raising their swords together, sort if like an 'X', on a Greek warship off the west coast of modern America, as you do, and in the process they almost took the ship apart because of the storm they were co-creating. Thankfully, Leo, their resident handy man, had several rolls of duct tape from his magical toolbelt.

So a giant storm sent them nyooming across the Atlantic with the speed of a thousand nyooms, and Leo held onto the wheel, screaming like a girl, and then everything went dark.

No no no, you don't understand. I'm not being dramatic. Listen, there were no lights or anything on the ship right now, and then they went into this place where everything is dark, so every ten of the people on there-- what? What do you mean Buford and Festus and Gleeson don't count as people? _You_ don't count as people! Ugh, SO RUDE.

Anyway, they effectively went blind. Fortunately, Leo set became a semi-human torch by lighting himself on fire. Frank, their resident baby chinese sumo-wrestler shape-shift guy, screamed like a girl and almost fell over the side of the boat, because fire was his greatest fear cause it can kill his stick that is his lifeline.

"That's mean." Said Hazel to Leo, because she was Frank's boyfriend and knew of his childish fears.

"Hey, don't look at me," Leo said solemnly. "I don't know about Frank's lifeline fire stick, remember?"

"Oh yeah."

Annabeth, their resident Hermione Granger, said geniusly, "I don't think we're in America anymore."

Percy nodded because he was her girlfriend and he loved her. "Yes, very deductive deduction that you deduced."

Annabeth looked at him for a moment, frowning. Then she turned to Piper and Jason. "Are you guys still sane?"

They looked at her confuzzledly. She sighed.

"Where are we?" She asked a most sensible question.

Jason shrugged. "Well, I'm guessing we're not there yet, so I'm gonna take a quick snoozle for about three months."

Percy nodded sagely. "Yeah, same." Then they both passed out, very gracefully slumping into two unidentifiable floppy objects.

Piper looked at the two of them with offhand confusion. Annabeth sighed.

"What-- what just happened?" Piper asked Annabeth, kind of scared cause it was a little scary being in such a scary situation.

Annabeth sighed a long-suffering sigh of someone who knows more than everyone else and wishes they didn't. "I think we've been--"

She was suddenly interupted by Coach Hedge, who yelled loudly that he was going belowdecks to spend some money on, um, ice mommets, and no, it wasn't anybody else's business. Piper and Annabeth watched him go. Leo started singing the Red Ring of Fire song. Frank made eyes at Hazel, who barfed over the side of the ship. Percy and Jason snored harmoniously. Buford stomped up from below, making an unexpected appearance that nobody acknowledged. Festus hissed and creaked urgently. The Argo II sighed at the idiocy of her passengers.

Annabeth shook her head exasperatedly. She turned to Leo, who continued his 'This Girl is on Fire' symphony. "Leo, where are we? Can you-- LEO STOP SCREECHING AND LISTEN TO ME."

Leo silenced his trapper flapper and looked at her.

Annabeth let out a sharp breath. "Leo, check your freaking charts."

Her vulgar use of the English language startled Leo into obeying immediately. "Erm- they... aren't working...."

Annabeth looked like she might scream. Hazel was once again violently sick, which did not help the cheery mood.

Festus screeched like a dying vending machine. Leo raised his eyebrows.

"What's he saying?" Annabeth frowned, because Leo could translate the kabooms and kachings of machinery into a more understandable language (which, by the way, meant he knew far more about the mating habits of automatons than he'd ever wanted to).

"Apparently, there's an island up ahead. Dunno how he can see it." Fire licked his shirt and made him look like he was on fire, which he was.

Annabeth stared at him incredulously. 

"Uh--" Piper piped up-- "Maybe you might want to change course? So that we don't, y'know, end up sprawled on the rocks, dead?"

"Hmmm. Good idea. Festus-- wait, look, there's a star!" Leo pointed eagerly at a silver pinprick upstairs.

The others looked up, too. Frank scowled. "Yeah, great. Maybe we should turn around so we don't die on the-- YEEAAARGH!"

Leo spun around and saw a large, fast-approaching dark shape. He let loose a string of vulgar curses such as 'Zeus' and 'Hera' and stopped being on fire so he coukd concentrate on something slightly more important.

 _CRUNCH_ went the ship's hull because it had splintered against a rather large rock that some people refer to as an island.

Silence.

"Maybe, next time, fly over the large, dangerous obstacle," came the voice of Hazel Levesque.

They had been marooned on a large island that, from their angle, seemed to consist of rocks and sand. Though they couldn't see it very well due to the absence of light known as 'night-time'.

Annabeth sighed, "Great, we're stranded. Well, hopefully, this'll be a nice, populated island with no monsters, nice people, and all the supplies we'll need to fix that little hole up front."

Piper snorted lady-like-ish-ly. "Yes, because we have such a great track record of luck." Hazel told her to hush.

"But," Annabeth added, "We should wait until the boys wake up, on the off chance that we get lost or something finds them or we meet a bad guy."

After what felt like several hours, and also probably was several hours even though they didn't have a way to keep track of time. Then Jason and Percy began to groan painfully as they stirred. It took them maybe a half hour to wake up fully, and then Leo fired up again and they departed from the ship, ignoring the fact that Gleeson, Festus, and Buford all were still on the ship.

They went inland a bit, and at the edge of the beach, they found a very large, very decrepit staircase set into the large gray stone sheer old cliff.

"Ah-ha!" Said Leo, "Signs of life!"

"It looks more like ruins." Jason pointed out, "It could be several hundred years old for all we know, and whoever built it is probably long gone."

"Hmph. Killjoy."

They went up the stairs, because there was no other way up the cliff, and found that it led to the base of a mountain.

"I don't know about the rest of you," Percy said, "But I'm not exactly up for mountain climbing right now."

Jason nodded fervently.

So it was that they went along the base of the big rock hill and found a small, natural bridge over a river. They went over it and saw firelight in the distance.

"Monsters." Percy said knowingly. Nobody argued. They headed toward the light.

The light lead them to a large farm that sprawled over several hills and had a river and stuff. There was a bonfire on the sand near the river, which was more of a channel or a moat, really, because it was saltwater and connected to the ocean on both ends.

There was a rather large group of people gathered around the bonfire. As the Seven Demigods grew nearer, they heard talking and laughing and music. They slowed, arguing over whether they shoukd approach the group or not. In the end, there was no official end to that conversation.

That was because a voice spoke behind them and they all jumped fifty feet in the air, spinning and facing the opponent, weapons - or wrenches or claws, whatever - out.

"Ah," the kid, who was of course blond, held up his hands, clearly trying to pretend he was harmless, "Hello. My name is Bob. Do you guys-- do you have a name? Or, name _s_ , I suppose."

They all stared at each, other, which was quite understandabke, since the kid - Bob - had the yellowist, spikyist, most oddist hair any of the demigods had ever seen ever. He was also very scrawny and had a very weird outfit that made him looked like a cowboy. He also had a weird bag that had a huge book strapped into it, which took up all the space in the bag.

On the other hand, it was very extremely _not_ normal for seven oddly dressed odd people to randomly show up on Bob's island, especially considering that one of them was cosplaying a large bonfire.

"Well, um," Bob shifted, trying to break the ice. "Can I help you?"

Percy shrugged, "I very much doubt it."

"I hate to agree with Percy," Jason added, "But I agree."

Bob looked around at them all. "Okay, lemme ask a few slightly obvious questions: Who are you, what are you doing here, where the heck did you come from, why is he on fire, and what kinda help do you need?"

Leo doused himself.

Annabeth took a breath, "Okay, easy ones first. We have been shipwrecked on this considerably large rock and need to fix our ship. Um. Those are the only easy questions."

Hazel nodded, "We are demigods on a quest to save the world from the world."

Bob's eyes went squinty, "What is a demigod."

"Well," Piper said slowly, "Simply put, we are half god, half human. But of course it's a lot more complicated than that."

Bob stared. "Half god?"

Hazel rolled her eyes. "Yes. Gods are actual things, shocking isn't it."

Bob shook his head. "Oh no, I knew that. But how can you be _half_ god?"

Frank held up his index fingers and smooshed them together like they were kissing. "Godly being takes a liking to sone puny mortal. They make love. Demigod is produced."

Bob looked sick. "Too much information." Then he turned to look at the giant bonfire and cupped his hands around his mouth. "HEY MALROTH!!" He bellowed with the force of a thousand bellows, "DO YOU HAVE ANY KIDS YOU FORGOT TO MENTION?!"

"WHAT?!" A loud voice yelled back from near the bonfire. "NO!! WHAT THE HECK!!"

Bob turned back to the demigods and raised an eyebrow.

Jason frowned. "Hmm. I've never heard of any god named Malroth. Annabeth?"

Annabeth shook her head, clearly confused for the very first time in her not very long life.

Bob sighed and marched toward the bonfire. The rest of them followed, since there wasn't anything else to do.

Around the bonfire was a very strange assortment of people. There were several people with green work clothes that you might wear in the garden. Some of them wore large straw hats. There were also some people wearing odd bull masks, no shirts, and pants and boots. These people were quite buff. Some people were wearing more normal (if outdated) clothes, but there was also some people wearing armor or sone kind of soldier's uniform. Weirdest of all, there was a guy wearing a king's robes, complete with a very large and sparkly crown. Was he the resident god? Maybe.

"Hey Malroth," Bob called, "A bunch of people washed up on the beach and apparently they have gods for parents. Do you know anything about this?"

"What? No." The guy who answered was actually weirder than anyone else, if that were possible. He had no shirt, just a weird purple jacket that he didn't bother to close, and very weird orange pants like the ones Aladdin wears. And he had red gloves made of some kind of scaly leather, and a shark toothe necklace.

If all that weren't weird enough, he had creepy red eyes like Santa Claus' jacket, and aa very odd, physics-defying hairstlye - a ponytail and some odd horn-like things - and all in all, he looked like he'd been pulled straight from a Japanese cartoon.

No one said anything for a bit. Than Bob shrugged. "Meh, doesn't matter. They're shipwrecked and apparently they need to save the world from the world."

The group of people looked at them with varying degrees of suspicion. "Explain," said one guy.

So, the seven sat down and said the story of saving the world from the world, right up until they nyoomed away from Fort Sumter.

"Ah! That was the World Between Worlds!" A new voice inforned them.

They looked around for the source of this new sound, and then they all shrieked like little girls when they noticed for the first time a rather large group of monsters.

There were two skeletons. Two blobs of goop. A ghost. A zombie. And several others.

Finally, after everyone was introdoozed, Bob offered to fix their ship for them.

Leo frowned. "Um, but we need a lot of materials to fix the ship that you probably don't have. Like, we need celes--"

"Ah ah ah," Bob shushed him. "I shall do they calculations myself."

So they all ran to the shipwreck of the Argo II, where Bob floated around writing in his book and did some sparkly stuff. Then all the people from the party-ish thing came running with large blocks of stuff and started fixing the ship.

While the puny peasants fixed the Argo II, there was a discussion about Gaia and it was decided that Bob and Malroth would come with them and help them kill the bad guys because "I'm bored and have nothing ekse to do on this Goddess-forsaken island."

And so it came to pass that the Argo II sailed back into the World Between Worlds with two additional passengers and a new contraption called the Buggy Buggy which Bob and Malroth insisted on bringing.

**Author's Note:**

> I refuse to try and describe the Buggy Buggy. Malroth was hard enough. If you haven't played DQB2 then just go on Google and look at the pictures. Or YouTube. That works too.
> 
> Ight, there's the beginning of my crack story. D'ya like it? Should I continue? Maybe they'll run into Harry Potter or Kvothe or the Alola dexholders or the Little Mermaid. What d'you want?
> 
> Just so you know, I don't, in fact, take constructive criticism on crack fics unkess it's a way to make it even more absurd. Thank you.


End file.
